Indelible Adventures: Just me...

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What does it take to build your life again after a major change? I suppose it depends on the nature and scope of the change, but for me and my personal journey over the past four plus years it’s been the realization that I want to live life on my terms.

Which is a bit of a contradiction when you think about the phrase “no man is an island”. Hhhmmm, yes we all need connection to others - no question. However, the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve delved into trying to understand who I am and what motivates me, but also what detracts from who I am and what I want to achieve in my life. Yes, all big, hairy questions that we sometimes like to brush under the rug and ignore!

I guess the older I’ve gotten the less I care about what other people think about me, some might think that this cavalier approach is a free pass for bad behavior – actually far from it! Acceptance of who I am, just as I am is an important and non-negotiable aspect to all of my relationships – it’s taken me a lifetime to understand this concept, but it's one I hold close.

Am I always the best person I can be? I try - but don’t we all have our moments? Each of us have foibles and things about us that don’t quite fit the norm, but isn’t that what makes us different – our uniqueness? I want to be accepted for who I am, and not what I could be if I’d only change…

Difficult path? I wouldn’t have thought so, but strangely there have been a couple of instances recently that have got me thinking that perhaps this isn’t the way the world operates.

As I’ve reflected I keep coming back to the same question “am I enough as I am?” An age-old question I suppose but one that resonates strongly with me.

What is the alternative? As I sat and discussed this topic with my counselor this week a couple of things became crystal clear for me. Firstly, that your personal values and beliefs can’t be compromised to keep someone else happy…no if’s, and’s or but’s. I knew that but it's good to have validation from someone else. J

How can you give in on something so personally fundamental and feel good about it? If you do, then you’re not being true to who you are and it’s all downhill from there my friends. Yes, I have personal experience in this one…okay, more that a couple of few times in my life. What can I say except that I’m finally learning – and about time eh?

The tricky part with sticking to your core values is determining the “line” where you feel comfortable and willing to going to, and what will push you over the edge. For most of us the edge is a little flexible, but by and large you know what your hot buttons are and what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not.

Once you’re over the edge it’s hard to get back to some level of equilibrium, because then you begin to doubt whether the other person actually knows you at all… What makes this even more difficult is that if this comes on the heels of other little things that don’t quite sit well with you, and before you know it, it's become "the final straw that broke the camel’s back."

I realize that letting my values slide and accommodating others needs before my own is a recipe for disaster and something I’m just not willing to accept any longer in my life. This slippery slope also often erodes other things like self-confidence, feelings of self worth, whether we believe we're loveable, and whether we are deserving of our hopes and dreams without conditions being placed on them.

Finding my voice has taken a lifetime of pain, suffering and work so I know from what I speak. Most people don’t know the path that each of us have taken to get where we are today, they only see the image in front of them and make assumptions as to who we are and how we got where we are.

Do not be fooled by the outward appearance – accept me for who I am, just as I am. I’m just being me, after all isn’t that why we connected in the first place?

The most important thing of all is - don't try and change me. I'm not broken; I just have a different point of view or way of looking at the world.

Understanding my personal values has, and will continue to be an important facet of my life’s journey. I’ve found that a lot of self-reflection in combination with a counselor has helped me enormously, not because of what they tell me, but more importantly the questions that they pose, to get me to think more deeply so I can define my own path.

I also know that having a counselor and saying it out loud are two completely different things. I guess that’s the other thing about me is that I’m transparent about my personal journey and all that comes with it.

Aren't you lucky! J

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“Hanoi Posting”

A series of micro-stories by Terence Wallis

Episode 18: John's dilemma

John had been waiting for the telex for over an hour past the normal daily deadline, the morning cycle as always went city by city with each international correspondent reporting in with key stories that they were following, or if there was any late breaking news it was sent immediately.

This time honoured tradition had been around since time immemorial, so clearly something was wrong. He’d been concerned the previous day when his correspondent noted that a large storm had been tracking toward Bangladesh, with Dhaka firmly in its path and that the residents had been encouraged to "find higher ground" or get to storm shelters, but from what he knew of the geography of Bangladesh that would have been an impossibly given that the highest landform was well to the north-east of the capital, and likely not enough shelters to cover the vast population.

As he fretted silently his phone jarred him from his trance with a loud jangly ring. He picked it up before its second ring expecting that it was the telex room with confirmation that Dhaka had finally reported in.

“So, did you talk her out of her hair brained idea to go to Hanoi to see that Australian? Glenda stormed. “What?” John snapped as he realized it wasn’t one of his assistants in the telex room. Glenda ignored his tone and pressed on “well, did you talk to Lea or not?” John sighed heavily, “yes I spoke to her but you know what she’s like…”

There was a long pause before Glenda yelled “so, nothing, you did nothing”. “Look Glenda I’m in the middle of something here, can I call you back? John asked distractedly. He could sense her extreme agitation but what could he do. The phone slammed down in his ear. Jesus, she’s a pain in the ass he thought as he put down the receiver.

John was more than concerned, he felt personally responsible for his correspondent in Dhaka, as he’d assigned him to the post less than a month before but not without the correspondent’s protests and remonstrations.

“Fuck” he yelled to himself.

He reached for the phone “get me the Hanoi desk” he barked down the line...

Next week: Episode 19: Restless

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This week's selection of photos are some more of my favorites from SoCal - mostly from my afternoon shoot at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown Los Angeles and my sunset shoot in Malibu. Enjoy!