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During my consulting days I struggled with keeping my mental
equilibrium. I don’t think anyone
realizes the toll being a road warrior takes on you and your personal life. I
felt that I was doing the right thing for my family by working hard and driving
up the corporate ladder only to find that it was all a fabrication. I didn’t have the perfect life no matter how
much I tried to convince anyone with earshot, including myself that I had it
all. From the outside looking in it
could easily be construed that indeed I did have the type of life that many
would have yearned for.
However, scratch the shiny veneer even just a little and you
could see the ever-widening cracks within my marriage, as well as my
relationship with my kids or should I say tenuous relationship. The issue of being the absent parent is that
even when you are home there is a distance between you an them, the weekend
helped get us closer, only to be whisked away from them a couple of days later. I’m sure at there tender age it must have been
somewhat confusing, although they seemed to go with the flow and cope okay in
the moment.
In retrospect I seemed to struggle more with the weekly
anxiety of separation and the associated guilt that anyone else in my immediate
family. Typical of me, I internalized
it, which in reality only compounded the problem as I felt like I had to be
strong and not show any outward signs of frustration or concern and act as if
this was totally normal.
All I can say is that it was truly depressing to be always on
the road, working in another city and cut off from the daily life of the ones
you love…all in the name of doing what you thought was right. Don’t get me
wrong I enjoyed the work, but it was always the yin and yang, the push and pull
of where you wanted to be vs. where you felt obligated to be.
I remember vividly the days where I just didn’t want to get
on the plane. However, once I got into
the airport I shifted miraculously into business mode and I was off again. It hit me most when I talked to Zach and Sami
and hard to connect on the phone. I missed being at home with them at night,
particularly their nightly bath, story time and snuggling with them before bed.
Looking back those times they flew by way too quickly, and I guess my big
regret is that I didn’t have more nights with them.
Like most things with life you never know when something is
going to end or the last time you do it and so you move forward expectantly,
not realizing that was the final time until you look back on it sometime
later. We always expect things to
continue on until the day it doesn’t…the sad reality I’m afraid.
I found that many mornings I’d have to psych myself up to
get out the door of my hotel room by convincing myself that I just need to get
through just one more day. I found that
staring at myself in the mirror and saying this morning prayer/ritual out loud
somehow helped me get through what I needed to… The dread of doing the same thing over and
over again, day in, day out, month in month out, year after year is debilitating. I think we’ve all had those moments in our
life when you begin to question your life and situation that you find yourself
in.
I know that for years I just tried to block the guilt,
anxiety and loneliness from my mind, but the longer I denied the reality of my
life the more it impacted me.
Firstly, I found that my emotions were lingering just below
the surface and I was one “grumpy bear” especially when I was home on the
weekend. I’m sure there were weekends
when my family couldn’t wait for me to leave on Monday so they could get back
to their routine that I seem to disturb.
This in unto itself made me even more frustrated, as I felt like I was
making a huge sacrifice but there was no recognition for my efforts.
I think the worst was that I felt left out… The three of them seemed so contented and
happy when I wasn’t around, and it was obvious that I wasn’t a part of the
picture, which left me feeling dejected, and even more isolated.
It got the point that when my ex and I went out I’d be
introduced as her imaginary husband…yes, joking but only a little. I just didn’t seem to factor in and the
longer my out of town assignments went the worse I felt and the further apart
my ex and I grew until there was nothing left.
Some may look at my situation and say that I always had
choices and that I could have easily looked for another job and chosen my
family over my career… Not as easy as
you may think when you feel the enormous responsibility for keeping up the
hefty mortgage, full time nanny and two private school tuitions and that’s just
for starters.
I felt completely trapped in a situation that I couldn’t
simply extricate myself from. And I know I’m not alone – there are literally
thousands of men and women in exactly the same situation as I was.
The unfortunate part was that this pantomime took many years
to finally play itself out, ultimately with the dissolution of my
marriage. The cold, hard reality of my
personal situation came with my dad’s terminal diagnosis and his eventual
passing six months later. This
life-changing event gave me clarity like nothing I’d ever experienced and also
gave me the courage to confront the actuality of where I was in my life and
break everything that was dear to me so that I could rebuild my life and become
the loving and devoted father that I always knew I could be.
Heart ache was my companion for what seemed like an
eternity, but today I look back on those difficult and emotional times and weight
them up against the life I’ve created and the two amazing kids I have in my
life.
I wouldn’t change a thing!
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“Hanoi Posting” A series of fictional micro-stories by Terence Wallis
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This week's photos are from my trip this weekend to Boston with Zach. Sami couldn't come with us as she has tryouts for Team Canada U18 soccer (fingers crossed for her making the team).
Enjoy!
TW
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| After all Boston is the seafood capital of the US |
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| The Atlantic Building - such a lovely archway entrance |
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| I liked the contrast of the sign and the clock tower in the background |
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| Afternoon exploration along the waterfront in Boston |
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| Not surprisingly I found Little Italy....almost as if I could sense it! Lol |
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| Old Boston - down by the port |
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| Decisions, decisions....where to go??? |
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| Found our way out to Harvard |
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| A great bookstore to browse and while away the time...a lazy afternoon |
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| Harvard Yard - lots of students back to class |
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| Such a wonderful contrast of colors |
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| Steel bridges - my favourite! |
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| Waterfront reflections... |
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| Gears on the draw bridge |
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| Staying down by the Boston Waterfront |
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Boston fish market is quiet in the afternoon - all the boats are out to sea
catching tomorrow's haul |
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