Only the Lonely...

I guess I’ve always been a solitary soul in way or another.  When I joke or tell people this they laugh and say “no way!”  Over the years I’ve done a good job at masking the real me I suppose, now I don’t mean in a weird, crazy way but I definitely do have a part of me that’s rather introverted and lacking in confidence.   I know hard to believe! 

Prior to backpacking around the world I felt like I had to be surrounded by people and activities all the time, non-stop, just to feel comfortable, clearly all of my insecurities coming to the forefront.  However, I learned quickly when traveling that I didn’t need to have people around me to feel okay with me being me.  I became very comfortable and happy with my own company and solitude and as such over the years have drawn on this feeling of independence many times to get past the hurdles we all face.

 

Zach & Sami - San Francisco
September Long Weekend - 2012 

 So it was strange how this long weekend and not being with Zach and Sami made my feelings of loneliness resurface.  This time last year the three of us were in San Francisco on one of our many adventures…we all loved it, and had so much fun together.  We just travel well together.  J

I had been dreading and for the most part trying to ignore the fact that this years long weekend in September would be different.  All week I tossed around the idea of getting on a plane last minute and going some place I’d never been before to explore, but realized that I’d be running away from my fear of loneliness. 

Nope, I was going to stay put!   I was just going to embrace the feelings and confront them head on.  I have no real timeline or agenda this weekend and plan to just take it as it comes, and “go with the flow”.  This has been something I’ve tried to embrace wholeheartedly over the years…just take it as it comes and go with it.   I suppose that’s why I’ve felt so at home in my Improv classes as that’s the underlying premise of Improv “yes and…”.

Why do I feel this way is the bigger question?  

Clearly my formative years is where it’s rooted – no question about that, but wouldn’t you think that after all of these years that you’d grow out of it, or get over it.  Nope, apparently not!    

These deep-seated insecurities and feelings of not being good enough were ingrained at an early age and bugger me if I just can’t seem to get past it.  Was it that I had five siblings and we all fought for attention from our parents, although mostly Mum?   The other complicating factor in this equation is that growing up poor and at the lowest end of the social spectrum in a small town quickly made you feel inferior to everyone around you, thus separating yourself and becoming a bit of a loner.

Even with both parents gone now, I still feel like I’m trying to measure up and be “good enough”.  Through no fault of my siblings, I was never the smartest, or the best student, nor the best athlete or the most loving son….they all fell to my siblings in one form or another.  I suppose in retrospect I’ve been searching for a reason for my parents to love me, even though my parents are both now dead it doesn’t seem to matter, I still search for ways to prove that I’m good enough.  

A perfect example of this is when I made Partner at Accenture, which is one of the largest consulting firms on the planet and arguably one of the most competitive corporate environments in the industry...its well documented that they only hire the best and brightest, so to make Partner in a company of 250,000 A-type personalities and brilliance was quite an achievement, even if I say so myself. 

Such a great weekend!

 Within days of getting word that I’d been promoted Dad was diagnosed with Brain Cancer…   I never had the heart to tell him about my promotion, because in the grand scheme of things it didn’t seem to matter.  Did I feel robbed of my “moment in the sun”, I suppose on some level I did but who other than a completely selfish and self absorbed narcissist could be upset about it – I mean c’mon?

The bigger question is "Will I ever be able to prove to myself that I'm worthy or good enough".  Hhhhmmm, that’s the $64 dollar question isn’t it?  Its irrelevant what others think (to a point), but more importantly do I believe I’m am?  

Will the day come when I can distance myself from these insecurities and feelings of loneliness and indeed, "measuring up" to come to terms with what I've achieved in my life so far?   I hope so, its tiring when you're constantly combating these feelings.

Over the years I've been to various counselors to help me come to terms with my maladies, and by and large they've helped tremendously but to be honest there is only so much counseling that I can take before having to retreat and put some distance between me and these sessions to get perspective.  

So, this weekend I'm going to try and stand back emotionally and observe me, my life and my achievements to this point, and endeavour to appreciate my journey so far and even perhaps celebrate a little. J   

I'm hoping that I can get on friendlier terms with these feelings.

What do you think?   Good plan?